
IMPERATOR FURIOSA
So in preparation for the start of #readingVD, I am taking myself to see Mad Max tonight. I think this is a good decision.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 8, 2015
THIS WAS A GOOD LIFE DECISION, PEOPLE. The rest of my evening, not so much.
And this got long, so I’m going to stick it behind the jump. And if you want to make me read more of this book, you know what to do.
Prologue
Tweeps, I'm going in. #readingVD
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
Our protag's name is Christopher Lewis. He is a whiny teenager who gets denied at a crosswalk. #readingVD
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Chris has two sisters and a giant chip on his shoulder. I think I'll name it LarryBarry.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Toxic masculinity ahoy. Also apparently his younger sister might make Chris some soup.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Now, in a shocking turn, Chris meets a gross homeless man who wants him to FIND JESUS. Chris, of course, don't want him no JESUS.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD The homeless guy has informed Chris that he'll pray for him bc there is a DARK CLOUD. Chris? Still not into it.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD AHHHHHH. Chris is an X-Files fan. DAMMIT. Also I think I just saw a Warhammer reference.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Prologue done. if I were reading this for fun, I'd stop reading right about now. Dull dull dull dull. No hook at all.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD I'm not really a fan of the whiny teenage boy protagonist who doesn't understand that life isn't fair.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
So that was delightfully prologue-ish. We’re introduced to our protagonist, a young man named Christopher Lewis. I’m hoping his middle name is Screwtape. He lives in the US and has two younger twin sisters, Holli and Jami. He is sixteen and in 10th grade, they’re a year younger. Christopher has a massive sense of entitlement that is not endearing and he behaves really badly to an old homeless man who is trying to help him find Jesus. The old homeless man, of course, will pray for him. I am getting a real misfit loner vibe off Christopher which I find pretty repellent, especially in light of this book being published less than a year post-Columbine (based on industry lead times, that means Eternal Warriors™: The War in Heaven™ was written and acquired by Pocket well before Columbine happened and who knows: perhaps it was even worse and this is the toned down version).
There are also lots of weirdly specific references to specific types of cars and television shows and books. I suspect that this is to emphasize how worldly Christopher is, so we can see him either fall further into sin or attain some sort of grace. So far, this isn’t very complicated theology.
Chapter 1: A Rat in Shadow
#readingVD Chapter 1! Oh, hey, now it's time to meet the angel Mariel. Who, btw, is totally SMOKING HOT.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "Her hair was like an autumn cascade…" So instead of hair she has dead leaves? Awesome & how does this fit w/ her hotness?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Mariel not only has red hair (leaves? I'm gonna pretend it's leaves) but also INTENT GREEN EYES.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD omg Christopher is beset by a "cunning Temptress" and an evil dark cloud. Pretty sure if he showered, that would clear up.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Ugh, Mariel is a total nudge.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Mariel definitely thinks that there are too many evil influences around Chris: tv, video games, his weak/non-believing parents.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD I'll note that it's Chris's mother who is weak. Of course it is.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "aura of wrongness"! "icy shadow"! I think something BAD is going to happen!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Mariel has consulted with the other angels in the house. She's been urged to investigate outside. Alone.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD I am really concerned for Mariel, y'all.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Wait. There's some being named Borael Magnus, dark King of the North? I thought this was good Christian fiction!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Mariel's spidey-sense wsa activated by a stinky imp named Shadowrat, who is apparently bored. So am I, imp. So am I.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Mariel has a flaming sword you guys! JUST LIKE VD.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Wait! It's not an imp! It's actually PRINCE BLOODWINTER. And he totally disarmed Mariel bc she was standing TOO CLOSE.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "there were Tempters and Fears, Imps and Incubi. There were Dream Riders and Nightmares, Specters and Neveroughts"
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Someone read the same encyclopedia article on demonology as I did in the early 90s, I see.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "…her whole body felt seared by the violence of the scream in her mind."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD So PRINCE BLOODWINTER has silenced Mariel & it sounds like mind rape a little bit? Yuck. This is page 15, btw.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD oh, there's nothing sexual at all about having two Succubi force Mariel to her knees before binding her with chains. Yuck again.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "It was a bad wind, full of pride and power." Show, don't tell!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Oh, and apparently Prince Bloodwinter's even more evil boss is going to go menace Christopher now. Mariel's stuck in the woods.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
So we meet Mariel. who I assume is the sad lady angel on the cover of the book. She’s a Guardian Angel and is totally good looking (and whose hair starts out sort of crimson and gold but then is fully golden by the end of the chapter) and fierce-ish and has a flaming sword who goes outside in the winter alone to investigate where she is easily overcome by an evil angel named Prince Bloodwinter and his evil angel powers and gets left chained up in the woods in the winter. I guess that sword will keep her warm?
We also find out in this chapter that violent videogames are bad but ones based on pro sports are okay. That Jami and Holli also have guardian angels, but their parents don’t. Their dad is a skeptical non-believer, but that’s almost okay, as the text makes it clear that Christopher’s lack of faith is on the head of his weak-faithed mother.
So that’s a thing, I guess.
Chapter Two: Losing Paradise
#readingVD Chapter 2 starts with lyrics from a Metallica song, "King Nothing".
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD …and the first words out of Jami's mouth are characterized as "shrill". This is a low, low, low bar.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD I'm confused. Chris is listening to Metallica. Jami wants him to turn it down, >>
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD >> so he does, but the music is quieter not bc of that but bc his door is shut? SO CONFUSED.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD oh, I see how this is going to work: Holli is the "nice" sister and Jami is the "not nice" one.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Christopher is writing a term paper on Paradise Lost, y'all. To show that girl in his class up for doing hers on Hamlet.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD and another Warhammer reference.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD AND NOW THERE IS AN ENTIRE SUMMARY OF A WARHAMMER GAME.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD I mean, it's only a page, but seriously? This is what we're getting a flashback about? Fucking WARHAMMER?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "Life is just like Warhammer. It's all about the points." I think I've found VD's life motto.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "So how do you keep score in life?"
"Ask your sisters," came Don's reply. "They know what it's all about."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD and now Christopher is back to his term paper, he's totally stumped & is considering fiddling with margins and font size.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD But he's decided the better way to pad out his paper is to find a nice long quote about obedience.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "In her class, a good grade depended less on what you said than how you said it, and the more big words the better."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD "Thank God for the Microsoft thesaurus!" WHAT ABOUT CLIPPY?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Chris has the same shallow reading of Paradise Lost that every sulky teenager has: he thinks Satan's the hero.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD This is seriously the worst term paper ever. Ugh. Also, it's summoning demons to his house.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD AND WE HAVE ACHIEVED KAYM'S PRESENCE.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Kaym is totally handsome, has black Raybans, and an AIRBRUSHED leather motorcycle jacket.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD I am pretending that Kaym has a unicorn farting rainbows airbrushed on his jacket. Please let it be true. Please.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Kaym is totally non-threatening, more like a Calvin Klein model than the real deal from Sturgis. Also no reflection.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD okay, props to Chris here: he totally checks to make sure that Kaym isn't a vampire.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD And here we go with the flattery. Yawn.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Kaym reveals himself to be an angel & Chris makes a Touched by an Angel reference. Not that kind of angel. The fallen kind.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD Christopher is apparently the key that unlocks Heaven.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD and Kaym is proving he is who he says he is by telling Christopher about a soccer game. Oooookay.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD put your soul in immortal peril over a soccer game and flattery. Souls come cheap apparently.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD So, guys? Kaym just told Chris that he's watched him masturbate. Or very much implied it.
DO NOT WANT.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD then Chris dares Kaym to tell him who he was dreaming about the night before &we find out it wasn't his usual, but a NIGHTMARE.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
#readingVD more flattery & trickery, chapter ends with Chris & Kaym holding hands.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 9, 2015
Hilariously, this chapter is padded out with long, extremely dull, and badly argued extracts from Christopher’s term paper.
I really don’t know who Christopher is as a person other than the fact that he’s steeped in toxic masculinity, is a bit of a loser, and apparently is a (the?) Chosen One. Or his term papers are literally so badly written that they attract fallen angels to him. Fallen angels who are, frankly, more interesting than the protagonist. Which isn’t saying much–Kaym is a slightly thicker piece of cardboard than Christopher.
This is all fairly standard tempted by the devil stuff, really. There’s nothing original or really interesting here–Christopher is sullen and disaffected, typical for these sorts of stories and of course Kaym is cool in ways that Christopher isn’t. That’s part of the temptation, you know? To tempt Christopher into wanting to be as cool as Kaym. This is not a very subtle book, so far.
Also Kaym apparently knows who Christopher has sexual fantasies about and watches him either while 1) he masturbates or 2) has nocturnal emissions. Either way, that’s creepy and goes way beyond subtext and into actual text.
So 34 pages in, this is a plodding and mediocre book with characters I don’t care about. The only female character given any significant time is an angel who is immediately rendered helpless and the close third person POV is really unsympathetic to Christopher’s sisters.
I’ll pick up chapters three and four later this week.