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Pretty Terrible

Pop Culture Criticism by Natalie Luhrs

June 9, 2015

Bad Life Decisions: Prologue, Chapters 1 & 2

IMPERATOR FURIOSA

IMPERATOR FURIOSA

So in preparation for the start of #readingVD, I am taking myself to see Mad Max tonight. I think this is a good decision.

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 8, 2015

THIS WAS A GOOD LIFE DECISION, PEOPLE.  The rest of my evening, not so much.

And this got long, so I’m going to stick it behind the jump.  And if you want to make me read more of this book, you know what to do.

War in Heaven, Theodore Beale

Prologue

Tweeps, I'm going in. #readingVD

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

Our protag's name is Christopher Lewis. He is a whiny teenager who gets denied at a crosswalk. #readingVD

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Chris has two sisters and a giant chip on his shoulder. I think I'll name it LarryBarry.

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Toxic masculinity ahoy. Also apparently his younger sister might make Chris some soup.

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Now, in a shocking turn, Chris meets a gross homeless man who wants him to FIND JESUS. Chris, of course, don't want him no JESUS.

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD The homeless guy has informed Chris that he'll pray for him bc there is a DARK CLOUD. Chris? Still not into it.

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD AHHHHHH. Chris is an X-Files fan. DAMMIT. Also I think I just saw a Warhammer reference.

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Prologue done. if I were reading this for fun, I'd stop reading right about now. Dull dull dull dull. No hook at all.

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD I'm not really a fan of the whiny teenage boy protagonist who doesn't understand that life isn't fair.

— Natalie Luhrs (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

So that was delightfully prologue-ish. We’re introduced to our protagonist, a young man named Christopher Lewis. I’m hoping his middle name is Screwtape. He lives in the US and has two younger twin sisters, Holli and Jami. He is sixteen and in 10th grade, they’re a year younger.  Christopher has a massive sense of entitlement that is not endearing and he behaves really badly to an old homeless man who is trying to help him find Jesus.  The old homeless man, of course, will pray for him.  I am getting a real misfit loner vibe off Christopher which I find pretty repellent, especially in light of this book being published less than a year post-Columbine (based on industry lead times, that means  Eternal Warriors™: The War in Heaven™ was written and acquired by Pocket well before Columbine happened and who knows: perhaps it was even worse and this is the toned down version).

There are also lots of weirdly specific references to specific types of cars and television shows and books.   I suspect that this is to emphasize how worldly Christopher is, so we can see him either fall further into sin or attain some sort of grace. So far, this isn’t very complicated theology.

Chapter 1: A Rat in Shadow

#readingVD Chapter 1! Oh, hey, now it's time to meet the angel Mariel. Who, btw, is totally SMOKING HOT.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "Her hair was like an autumn cascade…" So instead of hair she has dead leaves? Awesome & how does this fit w/ her hotness?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Mariel not only has red hair (leaves? I'm gonna pretend it's leaves) but also INTENT GREEN EYES.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD omg Christopher is beset by a "cunning Temptress" and an evil dark cloud. Pretty sure if he showered, that would clear up.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Ugh, Mariel is a total nudge.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Mariel definitely thinks that there are too many evil influences around Chris: tv, video games, his weak/non-believing parents.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD I'll note that it's Chris's mother who is weak. Of course it is.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "aura of wrongness"! "icy shadow"! I think something BAD is going to happen!

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Mariel has consulted with the other angels in the house. She's been urged to investigate outside. Alone.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD I am really concerned for Mariel, y'all.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Wait. There's some being named Borael Magnus, dark King of the North? I thought this was good Christian fiction!

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Mariel's spidey-sense wsa activated by a stinky imp named Shadowrat, who is apparently bored. So am I, imp. So am I.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Mariel has a flaming sword you guys! JUST LIKE VD.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Wait! It's not an imp! It's actually PRINCE BLOODWINTER. And he totally disarmed Mariel bc she was standing TOO CLOSE.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "there were Tempters and Fears, Imps and Incubi. There were Dream Riders and Nightmares, Specters and Neveroughts"

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Someone read the same encyclopedia article on demonology as I did in the early 90s, I see.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "…her whole body felt seared by the violence of the scream in her mind."

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD So PRINCE BLOODWINTER has silenced Mariel & it sounds like mind rape a little bit? Yuck. This is page 15, btw.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD oh, there's nothing sexual at all about having two Succubi force Mariel to her knees before binding her with chains. Yuck again.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "It was a bad wind, full of pride and power." Show, don't tell!

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Oh, and apparently Prince Bloodwinter's even more evil boss is going to go menace Christopher now. Mariel's stuck in the woods.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

So we meet Mariel. who I assume is the sad lady angel on the cover of the book.  She’s a Guardian Angel and is totally good looking (and whose hair starts out sort of crimson and gold but then is fully golden by the end of the chapter) and fierce-ish and has a flaming sword who goes outside in the winter alone to investigate where she is easily overcome by an evil angel named Prince Bloodwinter and his evil angel powers and gets left chained up in the woods in the winter.  I guess that sword will keep her warm?

We also find out in this chapter that violent videogames are bad but ones based on pro sports are okay. That Jami and Holli also have guardian angels, but their parents don’t.  Their dad is a skeptical non-believer, but that’s almost okay, as the text makes it clear that Christopher’s lack of faith is on the head of his weak-faithed mother.

So that’s a thing, I guess.

Chapter Two: Losing Paradise

#readingVD Chapter 2 starts with lyrics from a Metallica song, "King Nothing".

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD …and the first words out of Jami's mouth are characterized as "shrill". This is a low, low, low bar.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD I'm confused. Chris is listening to Metallica. Jami wants him to turn it down, >>

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD >> so he does, but the music is quieter not bc of that but bc his door is shut? SO CONFUSED.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD oh, I see how this is going to work: Holli is the "nice" sister and Jami is the "not nice" one.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Christopher is writing a term paper on Paradise Lost, y'all. To show that girl in his class up for doing hers on Hamlet.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD and another Warhammer reference.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD AND NOW THERE IS AN ENTIRE SUMMARY OF A WARHAMMER GAME.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD I mean, it's only a page, but seriously? This is what we're getting a flashback about? Fucking WARHAMMER?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "Life is just like Warhammer. It's all about the points." I think I've found VD's life motto.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "So how do you keep score in life?" "Ask your sisters," came Don's reply. "They know what it's all about."

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD and now Christopher is back to his term paper, he's totally stumped & is considering fiddling with margins and font size.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD But he's decided the better way to pad out his paper is to find a nice long quote about obedience.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "In her class, a good grade depended less on what you said than how you said it, and the more big words the better."

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD "Thank God for the Microsoft thesaurus!" WHAT ABOUT CLIPPY?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Chris has the same shallow reading of Paradise Lost that every sulky teenager has: he thinks Satan's the hero.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD This is seriously the worst term paper ever. Ugh. Also, it's summoning demons to his house.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD AND WE HAVE ACHIEVED KAYM'S PRESENCE.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Kaym is totally handsome, has black Raybans, and an AIRBRUSHED leather motorcycle jacket.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD I am pretending that Kaym has a unicorn farting rainbows airbrushed on his jacket. Please let it be true. Please.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Kaym is totally non-threatening, more like a Calvin Klein model than the real deal from Sturgis. Also no reflection.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD okay, props to Chris here: he totally checks to make sure that Kaym isn't a vampire.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD And here we go with the flattery. Yawn.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Kaym reveals himself to be an angel & Chris makes a Touched by an Angel reference. Not that kind of angel. The fallen kind.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD Christopher is apparently the key that unlocks Heaven.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD and Kaym is proving he is who he says he is by telling Christopher about a soccer game. Oooookay.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD put your soul in immortal peril over a soccer game and flattery. Souls come cheap apparently.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD So, guys? Kaym just told Chris that he's watched him masturbate. Or very much implied it. DO NOT WANT.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD then Chris dares Kaym to tell him who he was dreaming about the night before &we find out it wasn't his usual, but a NIGHTMARE.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

#readingVD more flattery & trickery, chapter ends with Chris & Kaym holding hands.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 9, 2015

Hilariously, this chapter is padded out with long, extremely dull, and badly argued extracts from Christopher’s term paper.

I really don’t know who Christopher is as a person other than the fact that he’s steeped in toxic masculinity, is a bit of a loser, and apparently is a (the?) Chosen One. Or his term papers are literally so badly written that they attract fallen angels to him.  Fallen angels who are, frankly, more interesting than the protagonist. Which isn’t saying much–Kaym is a slightly thicker piece of cardboard than Christopher.

This is all fairly standard tempted by the devil stuff, really. There’s nothing original or really interesting here–Christopher is sullen and disaffected, typical for these sorts of stories and of course Kaym is cool in ways that Christopher isn’t. That’s part of the temptation, you know?  To tempt Christopher into wanting to be as cool as Kaym.  This is not a very subtle book, so far.

Also Kaym apparently knows who Christopher has sexual fantasies about and watches him either while 1) he masturbates or 2) has nocturnal emissions. Either way, that’s creepy and goes way beyond subtext and into actual text.

So 34 pages in, this is a plodding and mediocre book with characters I don’t care about.  The only female character given any significant time is an angel who is immediately rendered helpless and the close third person POV is really unsympathetic to Christopher’s sisters.

I’ll pick up chapters three and four later this week.

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Related

Filed Under: Bad Life Decisions Natalie Luhrs

About Natalie Luhrs

I'm a lifelong geek with a passion for books and social justice.

Reader Interactions

Links: 06/05/15
Bad Life Decisions: Chapters 3 & 4

Comments

  1. Tim Lieder says

    June 11, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    There’s a prologue? Oh no. I might have to buy the stupid book. But I just parodied the first chapter on Amazon – but changed the main angel’s name from Mariel to Vox Day (it just seemed like the kind of name an angel would have – also I just realized that in Latin it means Voice of God – I did not realize that until I thought of changing the name to Vox Dei in order to avoid copyright issues) and the two other angels are named TORG and JC Rite – but it was painful. It was just too painful.

    (I posted the link as the official site).

Trackbacks

  1. TV Tropes Monday: War of Earthly Aggression | Neither Here nor There.... says:
    June 15, 2015 at 12:45 am

    […] Tweet of the Day: Bad Life Decisions: Prologue, Chapters 1 & 2 […]

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Hello! I’m Natalie Luhrs. I write about books and culture and whatever else strikes my fancy. I have so many opinions.

I was a nominee for the Best Fan Writer Hugo in 2017.

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