This was basically my face at the end of Chapter 6.
…and there will be more #readingVD tonight. After dinner.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
Onwards to Chapters 5 and 6.
So far, $1,500 has been raised. That’s to the end of Chapter 19. If you want me to read more of this book, you know the drill. It’s for a good cause!
Oh, the delights that await us below the jump.
#readingVD It is time. Chapters 5 and 6 tonight.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
Chapter 5: The Darkness Rising
#readingVD Chapter 5: The Darkness Rising. Epigraph from Psalms, something about the Angel of the Lord.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD as suspected, this chapter is about Jami and Holli, Chris's younger sisters. They're watching a TOM CRUISE movie.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD And there's a psychic electricity in the air that even they feel so in this book witchcraft is a thing?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Holli = younger and more psychically sensitive of the twins, Jami is, if you recall, shrill and mean.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Holli is described as being better at performing femininity–thinner, more delicate features, wears makeup, does her hair
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Holli's a cheerleader, and Jami is on the soccer team which PROBABLY means she has lesbo tendencies, amirite?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Suddenly! Jami gets the willies, too! It feels like it does right before a tornado, when the sky is all yellow-green.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD That, at least, is an accurate description. It's not original or anything, but it's accurate.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Also Jami loathes her older brother because she's more popular and he's a reject. Also he hates the nickname Chris.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Therefor validating my use of it in my tweets because he's a jerk.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Holli, as the prettier and girlier twin, is–of course–the peacemaker.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD something something internet games something something doesn't know better. Internet = EVIL, y'all.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD As they go upstairs to find Chris, suddenly Holli stops and talks to someone Jami can't see!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD But it's totally okay, they're angels! Jami thinks her sister is having a break with reality & I can't blame her here.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD And now Jami can see/hear them as well, even though she's not all that religious. I hope they have Bibles with them.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Male angel is totally hot, like a Tommy model. Also, flaming sword. …nope, not seeing it. pic.twitter.com/d1Pzaugg10
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD oh! finally, someone is concerned about Mariel! Maybe they'll go rescue her or something.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Okay, Jami has spunk: she's totally sassing her guardian angel about how she doesn't really believe in him.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD "Evil stalks the night…" Oh, and Chris has books on BLACK MAGIC in his room.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD The dark evil of evilness falls upon the house and tempts the sisters. Who are hiding behind the couch.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD so maybe they're just watching "Blink"?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Hey! Somehow Mariel has managed to FREE HERSELF. Good job showing us that, Teddy.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Jami is all pissed off at her brother and frankly, I am too. He's a turdasaurus rex.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD "Its aura was so dark that it could have been one of the Averse Sefiroth."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Note: Top google result for "Averse Sefiroth" goes to an Angelfire page. http://t.co/JQSbkUSbgN
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD however, when I think about sefiroth, this is what I see in my head. pic.twitter.com/fddZGhjsOL
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD There's a stench in the air that Jami can't smell, the dialogue is wooden nonsense, and there's wordsoup happening.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Jami is now wondering if she should tell the angels about her father's shotgun.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD but wait! they are going to vacate the premises–to a nearby school gym that doubles as a church on a weeknight.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD "With a sympathetic smile that caressed her [Jami] like a touch of sunlight, he [Paulus] took her by the hand."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD all together now: "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD Jami about her sister: "She was a cheerleader, not an athlete." REALLY, now?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD They're running to the church service being held at Chris's old school (but not the girls') & they don't know where it is.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD even though they're only a year behind him and are in the same school with him now. Does not compute.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD and there's a darkness engulfing constellations AND YOU STEP AWAY FROM THE MADELEINE L'ENGLE ALLUSION RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD They're almost to the school! Holli wasn't confused about where it was–or was she? So hard to tell!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD As they reach the doorway of the school, SOMETHING DARK AND CREEPY WITH CLAWS GRABS JAMI. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 15, 2015
#readingVD It's got wintry blue skin with wartiness, wild stringy hair, skullish head…so like this guy? pic.twitter.com/St0yfj2ZpT
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD well,thank god–those fiery swords are more than just decorative and demony guy gets his butt kicked. Whew.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD There are 700 people in a school gym for a weeknight church service. That seems like a lot.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD especially since they're all sitting on FOLDING CHAIRS.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Like, yes, you could probably fit that many chairs in the gym, but WHERE WOULD YOU STORE THEM?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD So they come in mid-sermon and the minister who's talking about how God wants to bless everyone notices the angelic presence.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD SPIRITUAL WARFARE
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD he's now asking for a prayer cover for defense but they need offense against the powers of darkness!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD That's right: time for some good old fashioned SINGING.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD this is Very Different from the Lutheran church that Holli and her mom sometimes go to.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD at least two members of the band are black. One is a hulking bald giant, the other has locs.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD And now Holli is feeling like she might not be such a good Christian after all.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Oh goodness gracious, narrator, stop hopping between heads.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD the giant black man is apparently the singer for the praise band. Can't tell if this is a specific song or not.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD because the lyrics quoted are Just That Generic.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD the singing is nearly as strong as the power of evil and darkness, yay. And Jami is feeling the urge to sing.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD the crowd–that's what the text says, not congregation–is now waving their hands around, hallelujah.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD I feel like I should share one of these lyrics:
"Ha-a-a-lelujah, we-e will rejoice!"
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD guitars are kicking back in with a howling vengeance that was as righteous as it was deafening.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD cue random Bible verse citation! And it's one about obedience. http://t.co/qdMFEKRUtS
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Apparently this is how angels fight: through bland-sounding Christian rock songs in school gyms.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD And that's the end of Chapter 5.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
Well, that was a thing. Yes. It was. As you can tell from the tweets, Holli and Jami are the focus of this chapter. They meet their guardian angels as well as Christopher’s–Mariel manages to escape from her bonds (well, she still has the handcuffs on, but they’re not attached to anything) off-screen which is an absolutely stellar example of telling and not showing. This is a thing that keeps on happening throughout the chapter. They end up going to church–a church which has a weeknight service in an elementary school gymnasium that has at least 700 people in the congregation. There’s a praise band and this, apparently, is how to keep the forces of darkness at bay: by singing generic praise songs at it. Are we fighting evil or putting it to sleep?
There’s some theological stuff going on here, but as Beale doesn’t bother actually explain it to his point of view characters, any readers who are unfamiliar with the idea of a prayer cover will remain unfamiliar. Same for the citation of Romans 16:19–which, to my reading, is a verse about obedience and knowing good from evil. I’m not sure how this works with singing demons away.
Found the song they’re singing in this chapter on YouTube. It was on an album that came out in 1998, so it fits. It is insipid, at best.
Chapter Six: The Gates of Heaven
#readingVD Chapter 6: The Gates of Heaven, epigraph from Isaiah.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD oh noooooo more Chris POV. The Pearly Gates REALLY ARE PEARLY, y'all.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Chris now has feathery wings. This book is weirdly literal about EVERYTHING.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Chris seems to instinctively know how to fly. Hope he doesn't pull an Icarus.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Christ is looking for St. Peter and can't believe that the angels are so blase about the beauty surrounding them.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Hey Chris? You're on LUCIFER'S side. Stop thinking about how pretty Heaven is.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Oh, look, now Chris makes a joke about trying to fly to the sun just like an angelic Icarus. Predictable.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD and onoes! Chris is falling! Just like that! But an angel catches him! The text calls him Chris's savior.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD it's an angel with 4 brightly colored wings and eyes in each wing! Chris is DISGUSTED.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Just as the Throne (the 4-winged bestooned with eyes angel) is wondering who the hell Chris is, another angel
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD one with a ferretlike face and an abrupt manner comes along to bullshit him into Heaven, basically.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD The newcomer's name is Jeqon and he works for one of the archangels. Chris finds him annoying.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Now Jeqon is yelling at Chris for almost ruining things, so I guess Jeqon is the angel equivalent of whiny teenager boy?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Chris doesn't see what's so cool about angels or the Throne, they're not as grand as he'd hoped they'd be.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD So Jeqon is a traitor who has been biding his time for umpty ump years and isn't God, like omnipotent & all-knowing in HEAVEN?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD I'm having a really hard time understanding how Jeqon would have been able to plot anything.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Time to go back to that Angelfire site to learn more about Jeqon. http://t.co/1qY85xy4S3
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Angelfire site, where were you when I was doing my report on demonology in high school? Oh right. That was in 1991.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD oh! it looks like Jeqon tempts other angels by showing them porn. Well, then.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Well, it looks like Jeqon is a whiner and malcontent to match Chris. I hope Kaym doesn't get too jealous.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD "Christopher manfully suppressed a yawn." <– ACTUAL LINE IN THE BOOK.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD So Chris just asked Jeqon if he's ever heard of Kaym and nope.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD And Chris just used the watchmaker analogy to describe heaven. I am really unsure who I'm supposed to be rooting for here.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Jeqon's boss, the Archangel Ar-Sidriel wants to know where his regular partner, Israfel is & Jeqon totally bullshits him.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD And surprise, surprise, Jeqon has cast himself as the hero of his little bullshit story.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD seriously, how the hell does Ar-Sidriel not know that Jeqon is a lying liar who lies? I really don't get it.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD but hey, Heaven sure is pretty! But even that doesn't make Chris happy, he finds it stultifying and stuff.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD "Kaym's power was growing inside him, swelling, urging him to action." NO COMMENT.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Christ can't think about how to get away from these boring-ass angels and then! He remembers one of his old D&D campaigns!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD There was a thief named Loki! And there's juggling! And wow this is unclear.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD It segues from memory of the D&D campaign right into Chris juggling stuff & then STABBING ANGELS IN THE NECKS WITH THEIR SWORDS.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD This is. This is just, I don't understand how could anyone let that go w/o being re-written?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Oh, wait. This is another CLEVER AS FUCK telling instead of showing.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD And, of course, Chris has now earned Jeqon's grudging respect and on to the rest of the cunning plan. Such as it is.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD The Pearly Gates? Carved from one giant pearl.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Help me. Help. pic.twitter.com/Axs3EZhspF
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD You all see it, too? Chris has a magically growing key that he was keeping in his robes?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD and after Chris inserts his key into the lock, the pearly gate EXPLODES.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD and the fight below–which, of course, is happening off-page–reminds Chris of Warhammer. Of course.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD Chris sets his sword on fire with his mind, his green eyes have become blood red and his white wings have become an ashy grey.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD and that's the end of Chapter 6. I don't even know what I just read. I think Chris fucked one of the Pearly Gates?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
#readingVD A quick fundraising update! So far $1400 has been raised, which gets me to pp 280. Want more? http://t.co/8HRpZ6jafU
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 16, 2015
I really don’t know what to say about this chapter. Christopher continues to be whiny and awful and there’s an angel who is even more whiny and awful than he is, then Christopher is inspired by a D&D campaign and stabs two angels in the necks with their swords even though he’s shown no such fighting ability before–that must be the Kaym in him or something.
Then there’s the bit at the end with the magically growing key that Christopher sticks in a lock which then explodes. But not before he inexpertly gropes around it and stuff. And then there’s another Warhammer reference and scene.
So very much telling instead of showing. This book, so far, is a text book example of how that’s not a good way to get people interested in the story.
Later this week, Chapters 7 and 8.
“a church which has a weeknight service in an elementary school gymnasium that has at least 700 people in the congregation”
This is a thing where I live. Church services also happen at movie theaters and breweries here.
We had a whole conversation on Twitter about that! I knew there were churches that did that, but not at that scale–I’d assumed that eventually a congregation would want to get its own facility.
They do tend to be transient, starter locations, sure. But that time scale is in the years, and more for larger congregations since they don’t make the mistake schools do by only building room for the current population.
That is straight up Butt Rock. Except Christian.
I am not familiar with this term, “Butt Rock”. Do I want to know?
It’s a term for generic rock music for younger guys, with really stupid dudebro lyrics about being hardcore dude who drives really fast on the highway or being an angsty teenager.
Nickleback is the epitome of it.
Well this is just dreadful. And this is the dude who’s claiming that the sci-fi world is unfairly rigged against him because of his politics, or something? And he actually has followers who agree with him? Like, has it never occurred to him or his fellow bros that his writing is actually just awful?