Once more into Theodore Beale’s Eternal Warriors™: The War in Heaven™! Wait. That was entirely too excited-sounding for a book as aggressively mediocre as this one is.

#readingVD Time for chapters 3 and 4!

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

If you want to make me read the whole thing, here’s how to make me do it.  Currently I am only obligated to read to page 280, the end of chapter 19.

Chapter 3: Daughter of Devils, Mother of Kings

#readingVD Chapter 3: Daughter of Devils, Mother of Kings. Epigraph from Proverbs 7:9

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD It's time for Chris and Kaym to go to the COOLEST nightclub in Minneapolis! Which is at least 18+

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD "a palpable ocean of electronics washing over the masses of moving people… 1/2

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD …as the jungle drums pulsed like breakers on a sensually primordial beach." 2/2

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Chris is at this nightclub while wearing khakis and a blue oxford shirt. And the floor is sticky with sweat and booze.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD I feel kind of bad for the kid. Awkward.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD but wait! a totally hot woman is now kissing him! and she's wearing Obsession! This escalated quickly. Wow.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Hot woman 1) has horns and 2) is named MELUSINE. I'm just going to take a moment and let that sink in.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD "She released him and stepped back with a devilish pout on her divine face." Can't have it both ways, man.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Chris is definitely a Chosen One. But apparently chosen BY THE DEVIL.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Awww, bless. Chris can recognize the most rudimentary allusion to Plato.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Melusine also has a red barbed tail.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD "When Lord Kaym told me that you were to return to the true realm, I was so happy I nearly screamed!"

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD AHAHAHHAAAAA Melusine is Chris's GUARDIAN DEMON Y'ALL.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Melusine might be a guardian demon, but she's not gonna be all moralistic about it or anything.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD so if, like, Chris thinks she's hot and wants to think about boning her, that's cool.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD So this nightclub is apparently the one where Purple Rain was filmed. So it's a place where worlds overlap.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD I'm pretty sure that was a key concept in War for the Oaks, also set in Minneapolis.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD so apparently, like, dancing in nightclubs is actually worshipping the devil.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD okay, this reference to the Navigator in the David Lynch-directed Dune is pretty funny. Obvious, but funny.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Except, well, it's not a GOOD reference because the Navigator isn't an alien. He's human.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD and is described as grotesque and dark-skinned and well, just look. Grotesque, yes. Dark, no. pic.twitter.com/yGY1ko8W2X

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD For a pit of sin, this sure is boring. Apparently Godly people can't go to nightclubs.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD wait, on one page it says that minions of Heaven don't like the nightclub…

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD …but on the very next there are a lot of angels so they have to be magically disguised? I AM CONFUSED.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Wait! Something is actually happening! There is a Host of Divine across the river! Maybe there will be a FIGHT SCENE!

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD ALAS. No fight scene. Because even though Kaym & his friends would TOTALLY WIN, they're going to leave and go elsewhere.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Melusine wants to come along with Kaym and Chris–and Chris definitely wants to get to know her better if you know what I mean.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD This GREATLY upsets Kaym and he transforms into a tall and imposing angel-type being and whisks Chris away.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD This reads like Kaym is totally jealous that Chris is more into Melusine than him.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

I swear to God if this ends up being a Jesus-y retelling of Emma Bull’s War for the Oaks I am going to be pissed.

In this chapter Kaym takes Christopher to a nightclub for a meeting. Also to talk about how nightclubs–or maybe just this particular one, as Purple Rain was filmed there and Prince knows all about eroticism because rock music is of the devil I don’t even know what the point of that was it seemed really gratuitous–are dens of iniquity so it’s a safe place for them to meet with Melusine, Christopher’s guardian demon. Who is a totally hot devil girl in case anyone was wondering. She is totally interested in his welfare, y’all.

But just when things start to get interesting–there’s a Host of the Divine on their way to the nightclub to kick some demon ass–Kaym decides it’s time to take Christopher to the Courts of Light. No, no–they’re not running away, not at all. They would totally win a fight, but they can’t be bothered. Melusine wants to come along and Christopher wants her to come along because he wants to get to know her better if you know what I mean but Kaym is having none of that nonsense and in a fit of pique transforms into a tall imposing angel with black wings with a totally kick ass grey dress I mean robe with a sparkly I mean shimmery cloak and hauls Christopher out of there. I think someone is jealous.

Chapter 4: The Courts of Light

#readingVD Chapter 4: The Courts of Light. Epigraph from a KMFDM song. Unsure if permissions were gotten.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD So they're at the Courts of Light. Think Vegas times a million with gold on top. And of course, since Chris is a 16 year old boy

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD he thinks it's totally awesome. The gargoyles have gargoyles basically. And there are domes and jewel encrusted buildings.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD and we have ANOTHER Warhammer reference. This time to a city of High Elves. I feel like Chris needs better reading material.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Chris decides, after he sneezes, that this really IS happening and he's just gonna go with the flow.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD I can't even with this. Kaym is being pompous at these guards & Chris now thinks he might be spending too much time online.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Yes, I know that makes no sense. That's about as much sense as this makes.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Looks like Kaym is going to talk them into letting him and Chris in to see Baal Chanan, though. For another meeting, I'm sure.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD I am normally a fan of books about meetings–see Ancillary Sword, Goblin Emperor, and Cherryh's Foreigner series.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD However, this book doesn't even come close to any of those.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD also Chris is unsure if he's the hero of his own story bc he keeps getting all the names confused & that doesn't happen in books.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD that is a thing that Chris actually thinks to himself. That heroes in books don't forget names.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD also the guards' eyes? LITERALLY burning Chris. Like Cyclops? Are they laser eyeballs?

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD oooookay, the guards are fire elementals held inside silver armor bc otherwise they wouldn't be able to control their FIERY RAGE.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD random statue of either Prometheus or Baal Chanan in the palace and Chris is getting SASSY with Kaym.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD it takes them 20 minutes to get to Baal Chanan's throne room. This reads like VD fleshed out an RPG he GM'd.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD I bet you anything that Teddy's got a graph paper map of this entire palace complex somewhere in his papers.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD And they are FINALLY in the throne room & Chris is overcome but Kaym is there to (literally) hold his hand & make him be unafraid

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Kaym and Chris sure are holding hands a lot so far.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD I feel like I am being beaten about the head and shoulders with some foreshadowing. I think this might be an attempt at irony?

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD The Prince of Light/Baal Chanan is a totally hot middle aged white dude. Of course he is.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD he also speaks in old-timey English and uses the royal We.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD and now Chris is SASSING the Prince of Light.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Of course, since Chris is the Chosen One, the Prince of Light thinks this is HILARIOUS.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Oh, Chris. You stupidhead. You just agreed to do a favor for the Lord of Light w/o finding out what it is first?

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Oh crap. Exposition dump time.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD This infodump reads like an inverted version of the Hypostasis of the Archons (one of the Nag Hammadi texts).

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD this is not a very interesting cosmogony, really. Basically God is totes jealous of Lucifer who is better and more awesome.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Also the name for Lucifer's city or whatever the fuck it is is Ahura Azdha which is a little close to Ahura Mazda IMO.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Infodump over. Time for Chris to get the deets on his MISSION FOR LUCIFER.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Yep, God is TOTALLY jealous of Lucifer. That's what this whole conflict is about. God being all jealous of Lucifer's awesomeness.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Okay, so basically Lucifer just gave Chris a key and wants him to unlock Heaven so they can get in and mess the place up.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD but FIRST they must DISGUISE Chris's nasty human essence so he can sneak up to ring Heaven's doorbell undetected.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD that means that Kaym has to infuse Chris with a "spark of power". IF THAT IS WHAT WE ARE CALLING IT OKAY.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD this spark of power will let Chris fly and read minds and that will be TOTALLY AWESOME.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD apparently the power-spark-infusion happens with a gentle headbutt. And it hurts and stuff.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD His soul is SCALDED, y'all. That's what happens when you let a fallen angel infuse you with his power.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD I'm imagining Teddy muttering "no homo no homo no homo" to himself as he wrote this.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD and now Chris can see through the illusions that everyone is wearing, so they're all translucent beings with flames inside?

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD except for Lucifer, of course.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Awwwwww, Lucifer is hugging Chris and welcoming him to the club of the damned. How sweet of him.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD And chapter 4 ends with Lucifer admonishing Chris not to fail him, Chris pledging he won't, and Kaym cackling ominously.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

#readingVD Looks like chapter 5 is told from Chris's younger sisters' perspective. Whee.

— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 11, 2015

The Courts of Light is seriously the tackiest sounding place ever. Like Liberace cranked up to a million or something. At least on the outside. On the inside, it’s all clean lines and pale marble and a kickass statue of Lucifer bringing enlightenment to the world. Also a tedious infodump section about how God is totally jealous of Lucifer for being cooler and better at everything and they want Christopher to open the gates of Heaven so they can take the place back…

…and now I am wondering if Beale sees his machinations with the Hugos as some sort of bizarre religious crusade and I’m just going to leave that there.

This really isn’t all that interesting–again, this is mostly characters standing around talking. There’s talk of conflict but no actual conflict. Christopher doesn’t have any moral qualms about throwing in with Lucifer and he does so without hesitation.

There are a lot of bits that can be read as vaguely homoerotic between Kaym and Christopher–there’s a lot of hand-holding but Beale might be going for more of a muscular Christianity-ish sort of thing here, even though Kaym is on Lucifer’s team. Or, you know, maybe not. If one were a homophobe, it is entirely possible to read Kaym’s attention to Christopher as predatorily sexual–especially since Christopher is only sixteen years old.

Next up are chapters 5 and 6. It looks like chapter 5 is from Holli and Jami’s point of view which will, at least, be something different. Do I think that Beale can write from a female point of view in a way that doesn’t suck? No, not really. But at least it’ll be different.