Bad Life Decisions: Chapters 25 & 26

Exciting news! The goal of $2,000 has not only been met, it has been exceeded! As of this writing, we’re $25 short of a stretch goal: Mary Robinette Kowal reading a passage in her phone sex voice. And I’ll be reading the entire novel, so that’s a thing as well.

#readingVD Tonight I'll be tackling chapters 25 and 26. Whee!

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

War in Heaven, Theodore Beale

Chapter 25: Citadel of the King

#readingVD To make up for the stupidly long chapters the other night, tonight's chapters are quite short.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Chapter 25: Citadel of the King. Epigraph from Psalms.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD This appears to be a Jami POV chapter. They're in heaven and it's totally awesome. I don't know if I can describe this.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD They're in a castle, right, and it's totally storybook, like that one in Germany? Or was is Austria? Lichtenstien? Whatever.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Specifics of Warhammer strategy are totally important and essential, but making sure that Jami knows the name of the castle? NOPE

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD as multiple people have pointed out, Neuschwanstein Castle. Not hard, even pre-Google to find out.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Anyhow, the castle is totally dope. A room that's a library one day is a flower garden the next, it's so rad!

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD It's also apparently a Tardis, as it is of variable size.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Jami recounts that the castle reminds Holli of the LAURA ASHLEY store at the MALL.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Heaven is like a store at the mall. I'm sort of stuck on this. Does he mean the MALL OF AMERICA?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD and even though Heaven is a Tardis, Jami has to share a room with her sister and with an angel named Daliel. Seems unfair.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Jami's lost track of time and every day, Khasar and Lokhael came to teach them about the Path of Righteousness.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD I think maybe they're not in Heaven but in a creepy cult.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Khasar, though, also tells them thrilling stories of the corruption of Ahura Azdha and Lucifer.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Jami hasn't talked to Jesus since they were miraculously rescued from Chasah, but Heaven is full of its residents.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Father Havtah has a nice little job as the assistant to the Archangel Rhamiel in the scriptorium, f'rinstance.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD And now, apparently, Jami is going to have to endure an apology from the young soldier who almost killed her. Nice.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Soldier-boy is still a soldier, but with a body of light and he's been reunited with his dead dad & his faith is even greater!

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Jami suddenly realizes that Chris is probably with the doomed legions of the fallen that surround them.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD So…they've been under siege but it's okay because Heaven is a Tardis? I am very confused at the lack of tension here.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Oh, hey, it looks like it's time for the Jesus-ex-machina part of the plot to creak into action.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Holli and Daliel are making perfume from tulips (is this possible?) when Jesus shows up with his hench-angels.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Artistic depiction of angel wing covered in eyes. pic.twitter.com/uqsrbkU5BY

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD here's a slightly more artistic depiction of a seraphim's eyeball wings. pic.twitter.com/qFuwSE1ON2

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 29, 2015

#readingVD Seraphim also have six wings. Two to cover their feet, two to cover their face, and two for flying. So that's some fancy armor.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Also, Jesus's dad has raised a new host, one which is stronger and better than before. So–zombie vampires?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Time to hand out plot tokens! Jami & Holli get a chance to get Chris to change his mind about being a tool of evil!

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD This very much not safe for work GIF seems relevant. https://t.co/8Pz8gMeMZe

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

*dick boop*

#readingVD Jesus warns Holli and Jami that their brother is deep in the clutches of eeeeevil and his soul is stained with darkness.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD I wonder if Tide could help get that out.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD But to save Chris, they can't fight him. They have to forgive him. Like Jesus would. Except–wasn't Jesus all smitey before?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Seems to me that Jesus is a little hypocritical here.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD I am disturbed by this description of the power of prayer. pic.twitter.com/Dz97p3MEPF

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD and that is all for Chapter 25. Some ridiculous infodumping and tiny plot tokens. And Jesus-prayer.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

Right. So we get a few pages of description of Heaven and then Jesus shows up to advance the plot. And not even by that much. Just a little bit.

Chapter 26: Ruins of Righteousness

#readingVD Chapter 26: Ruins of Righteousness. Epigraph from. Oh dear sweet baby jeebus. FROM PSYKOSONIK. https://t.co/iKSTWbldrR

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD See? SEE? pic.twitter.com/fCUbRHIPQT

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Chris is desperately looking for Kaym in a dark building.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD The building is a former scriptorium & Chris has a curiously deep knowledge of its former contents.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD It also ~literally~ stinks to high heaven I am not making this up.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Kaym is lurking in the shadows, shrouded in black wings & with a grievous wound in his chest.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD So I went and looked up one of Psykosonik's songs and it isn't terrible for what it is. EMF-lite. https://t.co/NDj5bvcDuQ

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Kaym wants Chris to go down the hall, so he does–down the CARPETED hall.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Ther are 4 figures around a destroyed statue, and he whispers a spell before he challenges them.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD and then one of them speaks: "Ohmigod, is that thing Chris?"

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD so the two plotlines have finally intersected. Finally.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Chris doesn't realize that two of the figures are apparently his sisters and he feeds off their fear. Savoring it.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD The Archon with them directs the girls to stand back as Chris is "swallowed in his sin" & doesn't recognize them.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD I am not sure what "swallowed in his sin" mean, but it doesn't sound good. Maybe there's an ointment for that.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Chris needs the fight though, to make himself feel better, and won't be warned off.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD And then Chris cuts Khasar into three pieces with his "blades" when before he only had the one ebon-flamed sword.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Then he chops up Deliel.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD and one of the other figures falls to her knees and he asks her if she wants to worship him.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD I'll note that all this stuff is happening Very Quickly, unlike everything else in the book.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD His sister–Holli, I think–begs with him to give up, because she wants to save him, but he denies he has a sister.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Then he gets mad because she won't be quiet & then slashes her w/ his sword.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD even as she's bleeding out, Holli remains concerned for her brother. pic.twitter.com/OjAIG2U0VC

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD I have a bad feeling that this chapter is going to give me a rage blackout.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Jami watches the hulking thing her geeky, loser brother has become. He has dark spiky armor that appears welded to him.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Chris's face, though, is a death mask, like King Tut's! QUICK SOMEONE PHOTOSHOP THIS FOR ME.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Put King Tut's head onto this! I REQUIRE THIS. pic.twitter.com/hbhlKNV6ro

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Jami is terrified of the "killing machine that was once her brother" and then remembers the time he almost kicked a puppy.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Lovely. Just lovely. pic.twitter.com/u3VON8se7F

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Jami decides she hates her brother when she sees her sister fall and suddenly! She has a sword!

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD and she sees red and rushes at him with it! He's better at swordplay than her, though, and easily parries her attacks.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Jami refers to her sister as her "better half". Um. That is not normally what that means?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD She yells at Chris that she hates him, and when he strikes at her, she hears the Magic Jesus Voice telling her to forgive him…

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD as Jesus forgave her. Or something. Jami's not on board with that. She's pissed. Jesus lectures some more.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD And then! Jami sees that her brother isn't so terrible, not so mighty as all that, that he is a wounded spirit

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD a wounded spirit that lashes out, that her hand, her tongue, were responsible for many of those wounds.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD So, in other words, Jami realizes that she is at fault here, that Chris COULDN'T HELP IT.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD So she drops her weapon, tells him she forgives and loves him and he runs her through with his sword.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD So. Beale has basically killed off both his female characters for the sake of his male character's development.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD So I'll be over here having a little rage blackout here.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD One in which I overuse words.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD I will note that there are three chapters to go. Presumably Holli and Jami recover from their deaths.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD But I am just appalled right now. (I shouldn't be and yet here we are.)

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD The spiritual growth of the girls, as it was, was there only so they could nobly sacrifice themselves for their brother.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD This is gross and disgusting and Beale should be ashamed of himself.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD I am trying to take deep calming breaths and IT IS NOT WORKING.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD Fuck this book. Fuck it right in the ear.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

#readingVD That was the end of Chapter 26. Three more chapters and an author's note to go.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) July 30, 2015

I am so angry at this book right now. Angrier than I thought I would be–obviously, Beale has always been more interested in Christopher as a character, the fact that the Christopher chapters were slightly more interesting was a pretty big clue. I was hoping that Jami and Holli had more purpose than to just sacrifice themselves for their brother after taking on some of the blame for his complete and total shittiness. The text makes it crystal clear that Christopher bears little to no culpability for the fact that he is a terrible human being who has a history of punching puppies. No, he’s just a poor wounded soul whose heart bears hurts inflicted by one of his younger sisters, the one he doesn’t like very much.