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Pretty Terrible

Pop Culture Criticism by Natalie Luhrs

You are here: Home / Bad Life Decisions / Bad Life Decisions: Chapters 11 & 12

June 25, 2015

Bad Life Decisions: Chapters 11 & 12

Furiosa in the Desert

This is pretty much how I feel.

It’s that time again. Time for two more chapters of Theodore Beale’s Eternal Warriors™: The War in Heaven™. As of this writing, we are but a mere $315 away from me having to read the Whole Damn Thing.

And don’t forget the nifty-awesome stretch goal!

#readingVD I just looked at my calendar. I'm going to be doing this 2x a week for the next month if we hit goal.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

Chapter 11: People of the Dawn

#readingVD Chapter 11: People of the Dawn. Epigraph from Isaiah.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD And we're back to Rahab and the twins' POV. Yay.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Oh, crap. No we aren't. It's more Chris POV and we have a Warhammer reference on the first page of chapter.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD The residents are a "proud, haughty folk, devoted to pleasure above all else." Drugs and orgies, I hope.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD apparently there have been DAYS of riotous celebrations in the wake of Adonai Lucere's victory.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD can we please please please pick ONE NAME for this dude and stick with it? Do we have to have a new title EVERY CHAPTER?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Okay, so they are…someplace that is not Earth. I do not understand this cosmology at all.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD this is a world populated by men but it's full of Lucifer-worshippers or something, so CONFUSED.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Chris may slowly be coming to the conclusion that Kaym is using him for his…key. No shit, Sherlock.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Apparently Kaym's arm tattoos are shiny. The light hitting them makes them look like blood.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Kaym is now pontificating about Leviathan and Behemoth. I don't care.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD "Christopher could almost see the vivid picture Kaym described." Because telling, not showing is the way to go.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Hey, wait a minute. Kaym is saying that Leviathan = Iormungandr and okay, fine but WHERE IS THOR?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD So they are at Matraya's palace (mortal king that Lucifer really likes or something) and he's losing his shit.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Losing his shit over something which happened off-page and which hasn't even been mentioned until now.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD This is STELLAR writing yes indeed it is.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Apparently Asrael means to go back to heaven or something.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD I am pretending he means this Azrael. pic.twitter.com/GxgM9JvNb0

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

(this explains everything)

#readingVD Matraya is whining about not having enough fallen angels to fight Heaven. Because that's all anyone does in this book. Whine.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD of course, Chris has a brilliant idea and thinks that the fallen should do to the mortals of Rahab what Kaym did to him.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD thereby making MOAR WARRIORS FOR LUCIFER.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD And Kaym has just suggested letting Leviathan loose. This seems like an excellent idea.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 24, 2015

#readingVD Um. Um. So apparently the sharing of power might actually be a sex-thing? It's hard to tell.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD This does sound kind of sexual. pic.twitter.com/oAWdpRs7el

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Alas, Chris won't get to find out, as he's goingto go help release Leviathan.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD At any rate, Chris is sad that, yet again, he hasn't been invited to a good party.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD and apparently Verchiel–the fallen angel that Chris killed–was a Zodiac Lord. So astrology is real? SO CONFUSED.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Ack ack ack. So Chris is supposed to be helping Jehuel free Leviathan (Jehuel was possessing Matraya's body, now Kaym has it)

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD BUT he did get to see some of the "testing" on power-transference and notes that Kaym's better than the others.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD and now they're going to free Leviathan and he's scared and trying to figure out who to pray too since he's on LUCIFER'S TEAM.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Chris knows that the Bible says that Satan & Lucifer are the same, but he knows that Lucifer isn't a pitchfork wielding evil-doer

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD so he decides that's who he's going to pray to.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Oh, wait. Rahab and this whole other planet are not of the material world.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD This is where I wonder if this is the same world that Sandy & Denys go to in L'Engle's Many Waters.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD wait, maybe this isn't a spiritual plane? Because they can shift between the two?

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD the worldbuilding is total shit in this book. Total shit. Nothing makes sense.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD and there's a seductive voice trying to make Chris give in to the LAKE OF FIRE. YES PLEASE. GIVE IN.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD This is troubling. Very troubling. "Thickly liquid splash." Ew. pic.twitter.com/ltWVeAhFyL

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

Seriously, I cannot even with this chapter. It’s word-soup. Beale is writing this assuming that the reader knows a lot of the background to the cosmological concepts he’s presenting and, well, no. This reader doesn’t and this reader knows a fair bit about the general shape of premillenial dispensationalism if not the specifics.  This chapter, in particular, needs a lot more fleshing out of what exactly is going on and how all these different things fit together.  Because it really just doesn’t make sense to me.

Again, I boggle that this book was published by Pocket Books. What were they smoking when they acquired it?

Chapter 12: Jaws of the Wicked

#readingVD Chapter 12: Jaws of the Wicked. Epigraph from Job.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD THIS is a Jami & Holli chapter. Jami wakes up, is enthusiastically hugged by her sister & meets Khasar. Who is REALLY nice.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Jami and Holli both have crushes on Khasar. Of course they do. Of course.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Khasar has been ordered to take them to the Tower of Qawah, whatever the fuck that is.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Trying to find what Qawah means. Can't find much, but it might have something to do with the evangelical obsession w/ Israel.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD I suspect it's a bad or archaic transliteration of a Hebrew word, which is why I can't figure it out.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Huh, apparently Khasar's form as a lion is blue. & he flies. They're riding him to see the lady of the mysterious Tower of Qawah.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD The Tower of Qawah is super far away over mountains and it's cold & Khasar just complained that the twins are too heavy. SHUT UP.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD as they're flying on the dragon, they get attacked! By either an ice ~wyrm~ or a ~dreki~ (italics in text).

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD ~Dreki~ are evil flying snake-things. Who shoot ice bolts.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD The flying snake that shoots ice thing's name is LORD BILE.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD and apparently he and Khasar used to be friends but NO MORE. Also he's a rattlesnake. A flying rattlesnake that shoots ice bolts.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Lord Bile wants Khasar to just give him the children (Holli & Jami) and Khasar is all nope you ugly mofo at him and then…

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD Lord Bile transforms into a totally hot lady-angel. But still evil.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD I feel like perhaps Khasar and Lord Bile used to date and had a really terrible break up.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD This totally sounds like a bad break up. pic.twitter.com/ooGpwDsbTq

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD When Lord Bile is in snake form, he's a he. When in demon-angel form, a she. Lord Bile is genderfluid! (Ignore the evil part?)

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

(What I was trying to say here is that Beale uses different pronouns for this character in different forms: he/it for the snake form, she for the demon-angel form. Which is vaguely interesting? But still not that interesting.)

#readingVD more chasing, Lord Bile is catching up to Khasar, he tells the girls to pray, Jami doesn't want to until he FREEZES HER PONYTAIL.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD so then she prays and then is disappointed when nothing happens.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD but wait! just when all hope is los! Trumpets sound and Lord Bile is STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD AND WE HAVE ANGEL-SIGN. 12 angels riding raging steeds of fire, here to kick ass and take names.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD the angels rout Lord Bile, but it mostly happens off-page (of course)

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD The last page of the chapter is Khasar asking Jami if she's okay and grabbing her injured arm and making her queasy w/ pain

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD The last image we have is Jami passing out while an unnamed woman soothes her brow.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

#readingVD and that is it for this week and I am at page 192. This book sucks.

— Imperator Nataliosa (@eilatan) June 25, 2015

Chapter 12 was a little bit easier to get through than Chapter 11 and I suspect that’s because of a couple of factors: Jami and Holli aren’t nearly as repellent as Christopher is (they’re slightly drawn but not objectionable) and because there was some actual action happening instead of a lot of talking about action.  What’s happening mostly makes sense and there’s not a lot of theological word-soup.

I’m just about halfway through this book. It is very much not a good book. I am trying to note the good bits as I come across them, but they are few and far between–most of the characters are unpleasant and cardboard-ish, I keep waiting for Jesus to show up but He’s apparently too busy hiding in my couch cushions or something, and unless Beale is trying to tell us something about blind faith with this omission, I just don’t see how he can call this a work of Christian fantasy.  There’s a narrative obsession with all the details of evil, of the different demons, to the point where he’s shoving in random details that are totally unnecessary, like the Zodiac lords nonsense that I still don’t understand.

I think the literalism here is just making my head hurt. I don’t get the sense that any of this stuff is meant as a metaphor and it’s causing some cognitive dissonance and my disbelief cannot be suspended like it can with a really stellar work of fiction. I get stuck in these weird little details and fall down a Google hole and it’s just frustrating and tedious.

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Filed Under: Bad Life Decisions Natalie Luhrs

About Natalie Luhrs

I'm a lifelong geek with a passion for books and social justice.

Reader Interactions

Bad Life Decisions: Chapters 9 & 10
Links: 06/26/15

Comments

  1. Charlotte says

    June 25, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    my mind is now horribly stuck on “thickly liquid splash.” I am not able to make this mean anything, but on the other hand I know what he’s trying to say. Do things that aren’t liquid ever get to splash? (“the body hit the ground with a thickly solid splash”) If you are a thick liquid, do you do something more substantial than splash???? Am very bothered by it all.

  2. Fiord says

    July 1, 2015 at 2:08 am

    you’re a better woman than I am! Stay strong!

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Hello! I’m Natalie Luhrs. I write about books and culture and whatever else strikes my fancy. I have so many opinions.

I was a nominee for the Best Fan Writer Hugo in 2017.

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