Fundraising status: $1,730 raised for RAINN so far! $270 more and I’ll read the whole thing!
Also I'm using this nattering about criticism and stuff to distract me from the fact that there will be more #readingVD tonight.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
Still procrastinating. I even have alcohol tonight. #readingVD
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD Okay, enough procrastination. Chapters 13 & 14 tonight.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
Chapter 13: The King of Chaos
#readingVD Chapter 13: The King of Chaos. Epigraph from a Ministry song. This one. https://t.co/gkwpTGzBwi (the jokes write themselves)
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD Well, thank goodness Chris didn't actually get burned up in the lake of fire. I was so worried.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD Leviathan, according the Jehuel, is not a mindless monster. Also, Chris calls him DUDE.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD more lake of fire, giant black thing floating in it, Chris exclaiming over its size. "'It's so…big!' Christopher gasped."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD This is some QUALITY writing. Quality. pic.twitter.com/umRbxvuIiL
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD Oh, man. Leviathan is PISSED. He just sprayed hot magma all over Chris and Jehuel.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD HOT MAGMA. SPRAYING.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD but oh! Jehuel holds Leviathan's heart in his hand and therefore can control it! (Leviathan is an it here.)
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD oh, sorry. I misstated the magma spraying. It's a "huge torrent", not a spray. My bad.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 29, 2015
#readingVD Jehuel taunts Leviathan, Leviathan doesn't like it, blah blah blah, Jehuel taunts it some more, Leviathan screams impotently.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD This is a really terrible concept of God if you ask me.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Now Jehuel is filling Leviathan in with the war in heaven and how God ain't doing JACKSHIT to stop it.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD oooh! ooooh! Jehuel is using the "the enemy of your enemy is your friend" strategy on Leviathan.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD which I am pretty sure is the same strategy that Beale used on Brad Torgersen. So, you know, it can work.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD and now! MAGICALLY, Melusine, Chris's guardian demon, can mindspeak him. Kaym wants her to keep an eye on HIS MAN.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Oh dear goodness. Melusine is telling Chris that Kaym thinks he should take Leviathan's heart from Jehuel & feed J to L.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD there are plots within lots within plots! such an intricately structured book!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD There's hot magma wrestling happening. Chris gets shoved into some rocks and exclaims…"Uff-da!" (in italics)
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD this is proof that Chris really IS from Minnesota. The force of the exclamation, well. Just so.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD "They were nose-to-nose, and for one dreadful moment, Christopher thought the angel was going to bite him in the face."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Chris knows what to do, though" he changes his teeth to fangs and bites Jehuel. BITES him.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD please tell me this isn't as filthy as it sounds please. pic.twitter.com/iJqNQMvcC2
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD WAIT. Melusine to save the day! She joins in their rumpus.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD An actual conversation in my house. https://t.co/exBUxWreXn
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
.@eilatan
Me: I hope Jehuel is using lots of lube.@eilatan : Nope, no lube, just magma.
Me: MAGMA IS NOT LUBE— Paul Ward, the Delaware Disparager (@Prufrock1974) June 30, 2015
#readingVD This is something. Yes. Something. pic.twitter.com/km1chyEwFs
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD and now that Jehuel has given Leviathan a massive case of indigestion, Chris is now making a deal with him. A real Trump, he is.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD And Leviathan's heart? Has magically become one of its TEETH.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD so in exchange for Leviathan's help in the dumb war on Heaven, Chris is gonna set the King of Chaos freeeeeeeee.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD as long as he doesn't go after anyone on Lucifer's side unless they attack first.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD This is biring, can we get back to rolling around in magma?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD So the best place for Chris to ride Leviathan is behind the ears on the middle head.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD which is as hard as rock, so Chris makes a mental note to get a saddle. DUDE YOU WERE JUST SWIMMING IN LAVA.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Chris says some gibberish which frees Leviathan and up up up they go to break through the rock of the cavern. And end chapter.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD in case you ever need to release a King of Chaos, this is what you say. pic.twitter.com/cyDCB1LSrY
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
So there’s a lot of magma spurting and hot molten rock and Kaym sending Melusine to advise Christopher and keep an eye on him and this is just ridiculous.
There are actually things happening in this chapter, though, which is something. But does this chapter serve the overall plot? This would be a much more dynamic book if Chris had any doubts about the decision he’s made or wondered about the theological repercussions. But he doesn’t, it’s all a game to him. This is bad theology, y’all.
I’m no theologian, but I will posit that there is more theology between 0:49 and 0:54 in this video than in the entirely of this shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty book. More humanity, too.
Chapter 14: Lady of the Tower
#readingVD Chapter 14: The Lady of the Tower. Epigraph from Psalms.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD I'm hoping the Lady of the Tower is the Lady of Shalott but I'm sure that's a vain hope.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD So Jami is a bit worried because Holli has been passed out for two days. That's right: 2 days have passed.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD this is some STELLAR PACING, Beale. STELLAR.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD There is a placid young woman explaining to Jami that Holli will wake up when the time is right.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD She says that she knows that Jami wants answers, because she would have wanted answers, too, when she was younger.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD and then she says: "Understanding is good, but obedience is better."
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A POGOSTICK GOD WOULD NOT HAVE GIVEN US BRAINS IF HE DIDN'T WANT US TO USE THEM.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD I just can't. Her sister has been out cold for two days and you're telling her to accept it? To obey? FUCK THAT NOISE.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD and now they're talking about the lady's pretty flowers in her pretty garden never mind her non-responsive sister. Fuck.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD The lady gives Jami a fruit that looks like a lemon & Jami eats it & is surprised that it is sugar-sweet & orange/lime flavored.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD the lemon-orange-lime fruit tastes like Juicy Fruit, y'all. And Jami asks if the lady is a witch.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD the mysterious lady is the Lady of Tower! Still maybe Shalott? A girl can hope!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Uh so this Lady had a dream about some birds and a sand castle and she thinks it was a metaphor did Beale write a METAPHOR?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD oh, wait, it's a stupidly obvious one and one that he explains on the very next page.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Just give in and obey. God will provide. No need to do anything, just believe. pic.twitter.com/DgfBmi2O0k
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD I just cannot get on board with that sort of passive faith. I just can't.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Holy —- ! THEN THREE MORE DAYS PASS. THREE DAYS IN WHICH HOLLI IS STILL UNCONSCIOUS.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD so while Jami and the Lady of the Tower are drinking tea and sharing stories, Holli is unconscious. For 5 days.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD and Jami just accepts it. I just can't.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD This callous disregard honestly has me (nearly) speechless.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD And Holli is finally awake. And she has a hell of a headache. And her legs are sweaty.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD So Holli is trapped in a glass box with silk curtains and a bed/
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD *blinks a lot* *blinks some more* No. pic.twitter.com/NYC2dtjaMp
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD There are no dwarves anywhere near this glass room that Holli is in.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD And Jami's here, to free her sister from her glass-room-coffin-space! OMG she was so worried!
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD And then Jami says that she was so worried bc Holli was out for three days. BUT THE BOOK SAYS TWO AND THEN THREE. 2+3=5.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD pages 206, 211, 214. NO EXCUSE FOR THIS SLOPPY MESS. pic.twitter.com/hxuKuo4GNG
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD I am serious, can no one involved with this book do basic math? or understand how time works?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD or is it all timey-wimey wibbley-wobbley?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Oh, and the Fruit Lady is the Lady Tiphereth. And the tower of Qawah = the Crystal Tower.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD so this, then? pic.twitter.com/0qv3K0gQIc
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD So Tiphereth apparently means "adornment" in Hebrew and is from the kabbala and this might be Gnostic, so possibly evil?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD Not that kabbala is gnostic, just this particiular interpretation. Kabbala is Jewish mysticism, I guess you call it?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
(and I meant evil in the sense that apparently not Christian is evil. Not that I think kabbala is evil.)
#readingVD so Holli is jealous of Jami's awesome silk dress, but also wishes she had some lip gloss and nail polish. LADIES, AMIRITE?
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD and now that Holli is awake, they're off so she can meet Tiphereth properly and find out why the land is dyyyyyyyying.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
#readingVD and that's it for chapter 14.
— Natalie Luhrs is a Hugo Finalist! (@eilatan) June 30, 2015
Did I mention that I was drinking while reading these chapters? Because by the time I got to chapter 14, what with its screwy sense of time and the whole obedience is better than understanding nonsense, I was glad because that’s a bunch of nonsense and really? Really? You call this a plot? Where shit is constantly taking place off-page and people’s names change from page to page? Where there were apparently days of conversation between Jami and the Fruit Lady but we don’t get to see any of them, while Holli is passed out two days? Three days? Five days? Who the fuck knows how long she was passed out from hitting her head on a rock, God will provide, amirite? And then when Holli finally does wake up, she’s worried about her looks? Really?
Really, it beggars the imagination. It really does.
Beale really needs to prune the adjectives. Well, he needs to do a lot of other things too, but this one is probably the easiest.